Ben Jacques Maynes just wrote his ticket to Europe!
~ Announcer Dave Towle during BJMs second place finish at the Nevada City Classic.
The following was translated from a Belgian/Dutch blog http://www.wielerflits.nl/, that follows all the pro cycling trade rumors. Stage and dialogue instructions have been added since Hernando wanted to re-enact some of this at Hellyer’s Friday Night Fights.
Scene: Millionaire cottage in the mountains near Aspen. We zoom in on a quiet kitchen table scene of Lance Armstrong at breakfast table drinking coffee and reading the paper while he watches several kids splash about in a pool. The pool is being monitored by girlfriend, nanny, lifeguard and two body guards. Phone rings and Lance picks up a portable phone. Its Johan Bruyneel who has a slightly Germanic accent that sounds like Friedrick the Caterpillar from A Bugs Life.
Johan: Lance, Lance Its silly season my favorite! What do we want this year for our new Team Radio Shack?
Lance (slightly annoyed): Johan we discussed this I want the Schleck brothers.
Johan (his voice is depressed, you can tell hes pouting) Im sorry Lance, no go on Scleckies that Saxo Bastard 60 percenter Riis has them so locked up they cant pee without his permission. Good thing too he he he.
Lance: Dammit Johan I told you to get me the shit and beside Alberta, the Shleck brothers are the shit! You sure there is nothing we can do?
Johan: Sorry my liebchen, nothing
Lance: F-It then! Just get me some brothers I want something that will beat that dumb-ass Luxembourg-brothers-that-love-each-other story!
Johan: Hmm what about the Feillu brothers they are so cute!
Lance: What? Are you joking me? What would we do with a couple of French dudes . Jesus Johan why dont you strive for a little more mediocrity. Im Lance Armstrong I mock the French, I taunt the French, I tease the French I take money out of France, I dont send it back in. Remember Cofidis? Remember LEquipe? Remember Pruddy? The only good thing about France is Hinault, and thats only cause that redneck snail eater still makes LeMond so freaking crazy its worth his backwater ramblings. Ill just pretend you never mentioned the Fillis brothers.
Johan: Fei-LU brothers its has a nice ring!
Lance: Drop it Johan
Johan: Well there is the Jacque Maynes brothers
Lance: Jesus I just said no French!
Johan: No, No Lance Hes the boy that rode with you and Levi at Nevada city! You dont remember?
Lance: Johan I meet about 100 people a day, Im a busy guy, every body wants a piece of me. I dont even know my kids birthdays I have to pay an assistant to twitter that kind of stuff for me, I dont delve into those details unless I have to what was his name again?
Johan: Ben Jacque Maynes hes very nice, has a cute little family, very nice legs (I keep reading about them in Norcalcyclingnews.com) and he can time trial and best of all he has a twin brother Andy they ride on the same team now.
Lance: Are you shitting me – twins? That would definitely get some ink next year. It would be like Playboy Special Edition but with our team in it! Get him on the phone I want to talk. Wish I could remember what he looked like. Send me a file on him and set up the interview.
Johan: Will do Lancey boy!
Lance: And Johan Make sure they arent French I dont want another cluster f@#$ like Astana.
Scene: Best Western Landmark Inn, one block form Tanger Outlet Center. Simple American style hotel room. TV is on. Ben is lying in bed, Andy still has his kit on and Paul Mach is lying in the other bed with just his shorts on. They looked exhausted and each has a can of beer in his hand staring at the TV blankly. The phone rings and Paul answers.
Lance: Im looking to get in touch with Ben Jacques Maynes he there?
Ben: Hello This is Ben.
Lance: Ben this is going to sound weird. I just got the number of your director from Jim Ochweisz who put me in touch with your hotel. Now Im going to tell you something and I dont want you to hang up on me. This is Lance Armstrong and Id like to talk to you about riding for Team Radio Shack
[Ben looks blankly at the TV. There is a quiet pause. Ben gently hangs up the phone. Flash to Lance in his Aspen cottage. Hes getting dressed in a tux while talking on his mobile phone headset.]
Lance: Dammit this always happens.
[Lance furiously dials the phone.]
Lance: Yells into the phone. OCH! Get this Jacque Maynes kid to call me and make sure he knows this isnt a joke! [Hangs up] God damn it I cant call anybody without them hanging up on me. [Lance puts on cuff links and phone rings]
Lance: This is Lance, talk to me!
Ben: Hi Lance, this is Ben Jacque Maynes, Im REALLY sorry about that. We just finished the Tour of Utah and are exhausted. I just figured it was another one of Mancebos practical jokes. He does the best impression of you!
Lance: No problem – happens all the time. So tell me Ben… are you friends with the Spaniard?
Ben: You mean Mancebo? I know him from around I wouldnt say we are friends exactly, he doesnt speak a lot of English to be honest.
Lance: Hmm let me ask you something. Could you learn to hate him?
Ben: I uh not sure what you mean.
Lance: Lets just make this a hypothetical question and take personalities out of the mix lets say there was a Spanish rider, and the team asked you to hate him would you do that?
Ben: Well hate is not really my style. Im a NorCal guy at heart peace, love, summer of 69 and all that. I grew up in Berkeley, hippie central, we dont do a lot of hate per say.
Lance: Lets just say this individual doesnt have to be Spanish, I was just picking that out of thin air lets just say this individual took every thing you hold dear like say your bike, your job, cheated your out of prize money, race glory and so on. Could you learn to hate him?
Ben: [Long pause] Sure I mean if this person took my livelihood sure I would definitely not like them.
Lance: So does not like mean the same thing as hate to you?
Lance: [cutting him off] Ok thats good enough. So lets see here my file says you are a college man too hmm never went to college myself, learn anything good there?
Ben: Definitely I went back to school after turning pro it was a great experience.
Lance: Well doesnt hurt to have a few college kids around, I mean Taylor was okay for a while till all that Tugboat/I Believe crap. Let me ask you this Do you have a Twitter account?
Ben: I do, dont use it much though.
Lance: Im thinking I might require all Team Radio Shack Riders to post five times a day. Think you can handle that? Wed all get together after rides and races and do our updates its great publicity and team bonding. Think you can handle that?
Ben: I dont see that being an issue dont you run out of things to post?
Lance: Nah just put up stuff like Listening to Mandy Moore Awesome or Time to call my good friend Mary Kate O. makes people think youre just like them. Anyway was that your brother on the phone? Id like to talk to him if I could.
Ben: No that was Paul Mach another rider on my team.
Lance: He your roommate?
Ben: Yeah so is Andy we are three to a room here.
Lance: How does that work?
Ben: [slight pause – embarrassment creeping into his voice] Well I share a bed with Andy and Paul gets his own.
Lance: No shit, you share a bed? Arent you one of the team leaders?
Ben: Domestic budgets
Lance: Not shit we got to get you out here dude we have beds on the busses and I fly in a jet! Get It On!
Ben: Sure is hes have a great season hes from Seattle and been riding pro since dominating the NorCal/Collegiate scene last few years.
Lance: Put him on
[Flash back to hotel room. Andy and Paul are both crowded around the phone soon as paul hears this he snatches the phone away from Ben]
Paul: Hi Lance, this is Paul.
Lance: Ill get straight to the point. Im putting the twins on my team. I dont have much time for American riders they dont know how to suffer like the Belgians or Russians but I like to have some friends around and you have an awesome last name.
[Paul scrunches up his eyebrows in confusion]
Paul: Thanks Lance
Lance: Just think of it Mach Speed or Mach One – if youre any good Nike would kill for this. Im willing to take a gamble cause I love those twins so much Im going to offer you a ride on Team Radio Shack but you have to answer me one question first You any good?
Paul: [confidence in his voice] I won Mount Hoot Stage Race this year, so yeah Im good.
Lance: I have no idea what that is but I like your attitude. Okay tell those twins Im sending over the papers for you three. Buckle in its about to get EURO-PE-AN!
End of Team Radio Shack Recruitment Transcripts: The NorCal Raid
Part II: The NorCal Raid Continues as Team Radio Shack takes aim at BMC
Ed. Note: This post by no means reflects the opinions or NorCalCycling News or its sponsors. All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
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