• Open Letter to Rand – See You @Hellyer

    by  • June 7, 2010 • race coverage • 6 Comments

    Authors Note: I don’t normally like to get involved in personal disputes but i felt the Hellyer name should be tossed around with more gravitasI know Newell is working on a rebuttal, i just couldn’t wait long enough.  Remember TVC is Friday, June 11-Saturday, June 12, 6 PM till close, at Hellyer Velodrome in San Jose

    Dear Rand,

    I enjoy your blog, i really do.  Specifically i appreciate how you keep your posts entertaining, short, and frequent.  You can ease up with the short jokes, but lines like… “I’m aware there’s a track race on Saturday, but I’m not quite ready for that just yet; I haven’t had time to rob a hipster in the Mission District, so I’m still without a fixed-gear bike” are excellent and worthy of your acclaim.

    I fully encourage you to come to the track given the paltry crit options this weekend. You should definitely come to the Testarossa Challenge, which i am hence shortening to Testarossa Challenge, from  it’s original name Testarossa Velodrome Challenge at Hellyer Velodrome cause it sounds redundant, as a I believe I can make the match sprint between yourself and Beth Newell happen.  I suggest Saturday at 5 PM – I”ve got some pull with the organizers.  Specifically, if they don’t do what i say then there will be no beer.  As it happens there will be a lot of beer Friday night.  If you refuse me… there will be no beer Saturday night.  If there is no beer Saturday night lots of people will be angry.  They might even just be angry at you Rand.  That could be bad… cause lots of people chasing you might look like a scene from Under the Rainbow, and yet… that could be funny.  I haven’t decided.

    There will be lots of action Friday and Saturday so even if you refuse to race Beth this coming Saturday, which i might add,  i think you should do… since she’s peaking or some such thing, there will be a of spectating to be had.  The track you see, is an ever evolving ring of entertainment.  It’s like the professional wrestling of cycling… well actually those weird games they play in gyms in Germany is really like the professional wrestling of cycling, so let’s say its like the Utlimate Fighting of cycling.   Famous east coast brawlers like Jame Carney will be there, i mean, you never know when one of these guys might come unglued and do something crazy.   Sure, i am prone to hyperbole but who wouldn’t be a little crazy to ride the Keirin.

    Most of the races are “endurance” type of stuff, which the meaty sprinter types, i lovingly call them “The Heavies” , avoid like a Sarah Palin press conference.  Unfortunately the TVC, which by my previous logic i should now call the TC, had somewhat arcane qualification process.  As a result we are drawing three types of riders… money hungry pros, fast qualified locals, and a few PhD candidates… sounds like a crowd you could groove with, the PhD candidates that is.

    Had i known your challenge yesterday i probably could have scored you some VIP tickets but @ironclm snagged the last pair.  As a result, you will not be able to go to the infield, and hobnob with the upper class over a glass of Testarossa wine and hors devours.  Instead you will have to mingle with the common man, in my neck of the woods, i’m the person with two kegs on the backstretch, between the cargo containers passing out cups of beer, bags of pretzels, and airhorns.

    Worried we won’t have enough to talk about over a beer?  Here are some icebreakers for us…

    1. TVC Poster – Awesome in its badness.  One year we had girls on the poster dancing like it was a rave.  That was the best one by far in its horribleness.  I made the one with the girls btw.

    2.  Are track guys/gals hot or shapped kinda funny.  I go back and forth on this one.

    3. Why do people refuse a free airhorn when i offer them one.  I find that odd…don’t you?

    4. Will D_Holla smack me in the head if i lean over into the track to far? Answer is FO SHO if he can make it… i’d just do that to get a quick laugh.

    5.  Make a beer pyramid with our empty cups… its like college, but now we are better at math which we all know is important for building pyramids.

    6. Marvelling/Mocking the last thing Hernando said.  He’s like the Shel Silverstein of race announcers. I go just for the poetry he spits out as the race progresses. Favorite phrase of all time? “Ride the Lizard”

    So there you have it… let’s make this match sprint happen.  Racing starts at 6 PM which gives you from 4-5 to get warmed up and some track legs going.  And don’t be going all crazy on your Saturday ride.  You are going to needs some fresh legs to beat Newell.

    There is no humiliation at the track, or in match sprints for that matter.  There will be only massive humiliation.   Since we should have a pretty good crowd going i think you will find the atmosphere invigorating, it not a little freaky.   All in all, it should be fun since thee will be beer, a bunch of pro’s and world champions competing, and some pretzels.  Best of luck in the sprint and hope to see you Friday and Saturday Night.

    Sincerely

    Hellyer

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    Former NorCal resident now residing in Madison,Wisconsin. I race cross, but I'm named after a velodrome. Support your local bike shop, NorCal race promoters, and go learn to race on a track. Hellyer Velodrome - http://www.ridethetrack.com

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    6 Responses to Open Letter to Rand – See You @Hellyer

    1. ironclm
      June 8, 2010 at

      I may be able to part with one of the VIP tickets if Rand so desires to show up….

      BTW, my money is on Beth.

    2. Williams Cycling
      June 8, 2010 at

      Don’t let them punk you like this Rand. I say go for it. Of course, if Newell crushes you like bug, you lose your Williams sponsorship….BOOM!

    3. June 8, 2010 at

      Keith: You wouldn’t dare…and it’s not like you could, either. That’s like saying you can just fire your pimp. It doesn’t work like that.

      Hellyer: Keep that time-slot open…but don’t you DARE withhold beer from anyone. Even the Juniors.

      ironclm: My money’s on Beth too.

    4. June 8, 2010 at

      Your the best rand – beer en route! And I’m not fat, just big boned.

    5. Williams Cycling
      June 8, 2010 at

      I will be their pimping my new track wheels. Gonna film the race for the blog. Roadie vs Trackie. Billy Jean King vs. Bobby Riggs. Good vs. Evil.

    6. Joel
      June 10, 2010 at

      Just do it Rand. Wish I weren’t outta town this weekend.

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