NorCal Cycling News

“Ben Jacques Maynes just wrote his ticket to Europe!”

~ Announcer Dave Towle during BJM’s second place finish at the Nevada City Classic.

The following was translated from a Belgian/Dutch blog http://www.wielerflits.nl/, that follows all the pro cycling trade rumors.   Stage and dialogue instructions have been added since Hernando wanted to re-enact some of this at Hellyer’s Friday Night Fights.

Scene: Millionaire cottage in the mountains near Aspen.  We zoom in on a quiet kitchen table scene of Lance Armstrong at breakfast table drinking coffee and reading the paper while he watches several kids splash about in a pool.  The pool is being monitored by girlfriend, nanny, lifeguard and two body guards.  Phone rings and Lance picks up a portable phone. Its Johan Bruyneel who has a slightly Germanic accent that sounds like Friedrick the Caterpillar from “A Bugs Life.”

Johan: Lance, Lance – Its silly season – my favorite!  What do we want this year for our new Team Radio Shack?

Lance (slightly annoyed): Johan – we discussed this I want the Schleck brothers.

Johan (his voice is depressed, you can tell he’s pouting) – I’m sorry Lance, no go on Scleckies… that Saxo Bastard 60 percenter Riis has them so locked up they can’t pee without his permission.  Good thing too…he he he.

Lance: Dammit Johan – I told you to get me “the shit” and beside “Alberta”, the Shleck brothers are “the shit!” You sure there is nothing we can do?

Johan: Sorry my liebchen, nothing…

Lance: F-It then! Just get me some brothers… I want something that will beat that dumb-ass Luxembourg-brothers-that-love-each-other story!

Johan: Hmm… what about the Feillu brothers… they are so cute!

Lance: What? Are you joking me?  What would we do with a couple of French dudes…. Jesus Johan – why don’t you strive for a little more mediocrity.  I’m Lance Armstrong – I mock the French, I taunt the French, I tease the French – I take money out of France, I don’t send it back in.  Remember Cofidis? Remember L’Equipe?  Remember Pruddy?  The only good thing about France is Hinault, and that’s only cause that redneck snail eater still makes LeMond so freaking crazy its worth his backwater ramblings. I’ll just pretend you never mentioned the Fillis brothers.

Johan: Fei-LU brothers… its has a nice ring!

Lance: Drop it Johan…

Johan: Well… there is the Jacque Maynes brothers…

Lance: Jesus – I just said no French!

Johan: No, No Lance – He’s the boy that rode with you and Levi at Nevada city!  You don’t remember?

Lance: Johan – I meet about 100 people a day, I’m a busy guy, every body wants a piece of me.  I don’t even know my kids birthdays…I have to pay an assistant to twitter that kind of stuff for me, I don’t delve into those details unless I have to… what was his name again?

Johan: Ben Jacque Maynes – he’s very nice, has a cute little family, very nice legs (I keep reading about them in Norcalcyclingnews.com) and he can time trial… and best of all… he has a twin brother…Andy – they ride on the same team now.

Lance: Are you shitting me -  twins?  That would definitely get some ink next year. It would be like Playboy Special Edition but with our team in it!  Get him on the phone – I want to talk.  Wish I could remember what he looked like.  Send me a file on him and set up the interview.

Johan: Will do Lancey boy!

Lance: And Johan – Make sure they aren’t French – I don’t want another cluster f@#$ like Astana.

Scene:  Best Western Landmark Inn, one block form Tanger Outlet Center.  Simple American style hotel room.  TV is on.  Ben is lying in bed, Andy still has his kit on and Paul Mach is lying in the other bed with just his shorts on.  They looked exhausted and each has a can of beer in his hand staring at the TV blankly.  The phone rings and Paul answers.

Lance: I’m looking to get in touch with Ben Jacques Maynes – he there?

Paul: Yep, hold on a sec [puts hand over mouth of phone]  Ben – its for you, sounds like the press again. [Turns to Andy and makes a face to indicate what a good joke that was.]

Ben: Hello – This is Ben.

Lance: Ben – this is going to sound weird.  I just got the number of your director from Jim Ochweisz who put me in touch with your hotel.  Now I’m going to tell you something and I don’t want you to hang up on me.  This is Lance Armstrong and I’d like to talk to you about riding for Team Radio Shack

[Ben – looks blankly at the TV.  There is a quiet pause. Ben gently hangs up the phone.  Flash to Lance in his Aspen cottage.  He’s getting dressed in a tux while talking on his mobile phone headset.]

Lance: Dammit – this always happens.

[Lance furiously dials the phone.]

Lance: Yells into the phone.  OCH!  Get this Jacque Maynes kid to call me and make sure he’ knows this isn’t a joke!  [Hangs up]  God damn it… I can’t call anybody without them hanging up on me.   [Lance puts on cuff links and phone rings]

Lance: This is Lance, talk to me!

Ben: Hi Lance, this is Ben Jacque Maynes, I’m REALLY sorry about that.  We just finished the Tour of Utah and are exhausted.  I just figured it was another one of Mancebo’s practical jokes.  He does the best impression of you!

Lance: No problem - happens all the time.  So tell me Ben… are you friends with the Spaniard?

Ben: You mean Mancebo?  I know him from around… I wouldn’t say we are friends exactly, he doesn’t speak a lot of English to be honest.

Lance:  Hmm… let me ask you something.  Could you learn to hate him?

Ben: I… uh… not sure what you mean.

Lance: Lets just make this a hypothetical question and take personalities out of the mix… lets say there was a Spanish rider, and the team asked you to hate him would you do that?

Ben: Well… “hate” is not really my style.  I’m a NorCal guy at heart… peace, love, summer of 69 and all that. I grew up in Berkeley, hippie central, we don’t do a lot of “hate” per say.

Lance:  Let’s just say… this individual… doesn’t have to be Spanish, I was just picking that out of thin air… let’s just say this individual took every thing you hold dear… like say your bike, your job, cheated your out of prize money, race glory and so on.  Could you learn to hate him?

Ben: [Long pause] Sure – I mean if this person took my livelihood sure I would definitely not like them.

Lance:  So does “not like” mean the same thing as “hate” to you?

Ben: I suppose so; it seems a bit extreme though…

Lance: [cutting him off] Ok – that’s good enough.  So lets see here… my file says you are a college man too… hmm… never went to college myself, learn anything good there?

Ben: Definitely – I went back to school after turning pro – it was a great experience.

Lance: Well – doesn’t hurt to have a few college kids around, I mean Taylor was okay for a while till all that Tugboat/I Believe crap.  Let me ask you this… Do you have a Twitter account?

Ben: I do, don’t use it much though.

Lance: I’m thinking I might require all Team Radio Shack Riders to post five times a day.  Think you can handle that?  We’d all get together after rides and races and do our updates… its great publicity and team bonding.  Think you can handle that?

Ben: I don’t see that being an issue – don’t you run out of things to post?

Lance: Nah – just put up stuff like – “Listening to Mandy Moore – Awesome” or “Time to call my good friend Mary Kate O.” makes people think you’re just like them.  Anyway…was that your brother on the phone? I’d like to talk to him if I could.

Ben: No that was Paul Mach – another rider on my team.

Lance: He your roommate?

Ben: Yeah – so is Andy – we are three to a room here.

Lance: How does that work?

Ben: [slight pause - embarrassment creeping into his voice] Well – I share a bed with Andy and Paul gets his own.

Lance: No shit, you share a bed?  Aren’t you one of the team leaders?

Ben: Domestic budgets

Lance: Not shit… we got to get you out here – dude – we have beds on the busses and I fly in a jet!  Get – It – On!

Ben: Nice!

Lance: Paul Mach – what a great name - he any good?

Ben: Sure is – he’s have a great season – he’s from Seattle and been riding pro since dominating the NorCal/Collegiate scene last few years.

Lance: Put him on…

[Flash back to hotel room.  Andy and Paul are both crowded around the phone – soon as paul hears this he snatches the phone away from Ben]

Paul: Hi Lance, this is Paul.

Lance: I’ll get straight to the point.  I’m putting the twins on my team.  I don’t have much time for American riders – they don’t know how to suffer like the Belgians or Russians but… I like to have some friends around and you have an awesome last name.

[Paul scrunches up his eyebrows in confusion]

Paul: Thanks Lance

Lance:  Just think of it… “Mach Speed” or “Mach One” - if you’re any good Nike would kill for this.  I’m willing to take a gamble ‘cause I love those twins so much – I’m going to offer you a ride on Team Radio Shack but you have to answer me one question first… You any good?

Paul: [confidence in his voice] I won Mount Hoot Stage Race this year, so yeah… I’m good.

Lance: I have no idea what that is…but I like your attitude.  Okay… tell those twins I’m sending over the papers for you three.  Buckle in…it’s about to get EURO-PE-AN!

End of Team Radio Shack Recruitment Transcripts: The NorCal Raid

Part II: The NorCal Raid Continues as Team Radio Shack takes aim at BMC

Ed. Note: This post by no means reflects the opinions or NorCalCycling News or its sponsors.  All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.